Posted January 16, 2024

Top-Ten Jokes from The Golden Girls

Relive some of the funniest lines ever written for television.

Many of us of (ahem) a certain age grew up as latchkey kids and were raised, in no small part, by our 19” Magnavox televisions. Reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies and The Andy Griffith Show accompanied our morning bowl of cereal. Old Three’s Company and The Jeffersons episodes welcomed us home from school, and depending on the day of the week, the closing credits of Cheers, Night Court, or The Golden Girls, marked our bedtimes.

If that paragraph sparked nostalgic feelings for a time when we scheduled our lives around our favorite shows (on only three channels!) and we laughed along every night with a live studio audience, then you need to make plans to BE IN that studio audience when the live show Golden Girls: The Laughter Continues plays the Wyly Theatre January 30 – February 4. It’s a hilarious tribute to Miami’s sassiest seniors where you can catch up with what’s happening with Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia. It’s pretty much a guaranteed good time. (Check out the trailer for the show above!)

When you think of The Golden Girls (1985-1992) you think first of an all-time great cast (Bea Arthur, Betty White!!!) portraying a pitch perfect set of lovable characters, and then you think, “THE JOKES. THE ONE-LINERS!” The writing on that show was packed full of top-tier wit and classic lines that would get a laugh in any room, anywhere.

We love jokes and we love lists, so we thought, in honor of the live show visiting the Wyly Theatre, we’d comb through some of the best episodes to compile a list of our Top-Ten jokes from The Golden Girls television series. Enjoy!

10. “It’s like we say in St. Olaf—Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund’s Day without the headless boy.” -Rose

Betty White’s wide-eyed, lovable Rose was always good for a killer non-sequitur or two every episode. And her very small and VERY odd hometown of St. Olaf was like a bonus character on the show.

9. “Want a glass of water to wash down your foot?” -Sophia

Interesting note, Estelle Getty, who played Bea Arthur’s wise-cracking mother, Sophia, was the youngest of the four main actresses!

8. “You’ll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.” –Dorothy

Ah, the put downs. The endless teasing. Those ladies HAD to love each other to talk to each other the way they did and… still love each other. You know what I’m saying.

7. “Nobody ever believes me when I’m telling the truth. I guess it’s the curse of being a devastatingly beautiful woman.” — Blanche

Rue McClanahan made her totally self-obsessed character, Blanche, endlessly charming.

6. “May you put your dentures in upside down and chew your head off.” –Sophia

The odd-ball logic of this one is beautiful. Oddly. 

5. “It’s time I gave something back to the chicken community. A chicken once saved my life.” –Rose

Of course, it did, Rose. Of course it did.

4. Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?

    Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

Dorothy’s line is a great one to have ready to go anytime a friend asks you if they can ask a stupid question.

3. “You know what they say: You can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he’ll die.” –Rose

Oh, my! What wisdom!

2. Dorothy: Ma, I have a feeling you’re lying.

    Rose: Dorothy, be positive.

    Dorothy: Okay, I’m positive you’re lying.

Perfect set up, perfect punch-line. Classic.

1. “It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.” -Dorothy

It’s funny… because it’s true.